Dear, Caitlin
by Farewells
Summary: Trapped within the Speed Force, it was all he could do to keep himself sane - from Barry Allen to Caitlin Snow - a collection of letters left undelivered.
1. Chapter 1

**A/n:** Something I've always wanted to try.

It's a Dear (someone) story, from Barry's POV.

A collection of letters written to Caitlin when he was stuck in the Speed Force.

Sentences are shorter / more block-like because it resembles more like an actual letter. (when you have to go to the next sentence due to the lack of paper space).

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Dear Caitlin,

I know my letters will never reach you.

But writing them brings a semblance of normalcy to my stay in this crazy world.

I'm reminded of the long emails we used to write, and the routine helps me cope.

I hope you don't mind.

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

It's been a week since I've been trapped in the Speed Force.

There's something I did not tell you in my first letter,

but there are times when I'm able to get a glimpse into our world.

There are times when I'm able to see Cisco, Joe, Iris, Wells, and the rest.

And of course, there are times, when I'm able to see you too.

I miss you all so terribly.

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

I wish I could tell you things are going to be fine.

Even though I know they may not.

Keep your chin up, Doctor Snow.

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

Congratulations in getting your thesis published!

I know you've been working extremely hard on it for years,

and even though I'm sure I wouldn't understand a single word of it,

I still so proud of you!

Congratulations again!

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

Your car broke down in the middle of traffic today.

Don't you wish I was there to speed you to work?

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

I feel like a creepy guardian angel.

That is all.

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

I see you've gone down with a cold.

Make sure to keep yourself warm and drink plenty of soup.

I hope you feel better soon!

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

Tell Cisco his suit is amazing.

Rock on, Vibe!

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

I know you've been working hard with Cisco to get me out of the Speed Force.

(Even though you don't even know if I'm still alive)

I appreciate it, more than words could describe.

But, I just wanted to let you know that I am fine.

Your health is more important.

You should rest, you look really tired.

Love, (and slightly concerned)  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

I see you've gotten a new cat, and you even named it Barry!

I can't stop smiling.

Love, (and still smiling)  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

There are times when it gets really lonely in here.

At least I have you for company.

Kinda.

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

I like your new haircut.

It's very chic.

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

I miss the way you used to tell me to be careful,

whenever I'm about to face another metahuman.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

I noticed you didn't have a date for your cousin's wedding.

I wish I could have taken you instead.

You looked amazing.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

I saw you staring at a picture of us today.

You were on the verge of tears.

It pains me to see you in such a state.

More so when I'm unable to do a thing about it.

I wish I could give you the biggest hugs.

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

"Barry" gave birth!

She's female!

What!?

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

I know you're still trying, even when all the others have given up hope.

They all think that I'm dead, well, except for you.

I just wanted to let you know, it's fine even if you stop trying too.

It's been almost two years, I think it's finally time to let go.

You still have an amazing life ahead of you.

It's such a waste seeing you spending all your days in the lab.

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

The funeral was beautiful.

It was surreal, to be able to attend my own.

Almost like a ghost.

Perhaps, I truly am one.

But I'm not going to give up. I will find a way out.

Wish me the best.

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

I'm sorry.

I saw you breaking down in private after the funeral.

It hurts me to see you this way.

Especially because of me.

I truly am sorry.

I wish there was something I could do.

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

I miss everyone.

I miss Cisco, I miss Joe, I miss Iris, I miss Wells.

But mostly, I miss you.

Love,  
Barry.

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	2. Chapter 2

**A/n:** The letters in this chapter, are kind of to show that time continues even when Barry's gone.

The seasons come and go, and the ones in his life, they move on too.

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Dear Caitlin,

You visited my grave today.

Thank you for coming.

The flowers are lovely.

Even though I wish you didn't look so sad.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

You went drinking alone today.

I wonder, if it has anything to do with it being the third anniversary of my disappearance.

Please be careful, and please get Cisco to drive you home safely afterwards.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

Summer's here!

Stop spending your days cooped up in the lab!

Go out and have fun!

Go to the beach and get a tan!

Enjoy yourself to the best of your abilities!

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

I miss your home made cooking.

I don't feel hunger here, but still…

Maybe you can make me something when I finally find a way back!

Don't give up hope!

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

You made blueberry pie today!?

Argh, they're my favorite!

I wish I could taste them!

I remember fighting with Cisco over the last piece.

Too bad he doesn't have superspeed, eh?

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

It's autumn now.

The leaves are all red and yellow.

Kind of like my suit!

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

I hope this isn't too inappropriate.

But I was watching your date with Tom.

He's a total tool.

Who brings their date to MacDonald's?!

You deserve better.

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

My day's fine.

How's yours?

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

Winter has arrived!

Do make sure to keep yourself warm!

Remember the pair of warm socks I gave you last Christmas?

The embarrassingly pink ones?

Wear them!

And be safe on the road when you're driving!

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

You look beautiful tonight.

The dress really complimented your eyes.

I would never admit it to you in real life.

But I'm insanely jealous of Tom.

P.s why the hell did you give him another chance?

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

I wish all the best for your father.

He's a strong person, I'm sure he'll pull through.

Do make sure he changes his diet,

his heart is not as strong as it once was.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

It's finally spring!

The flowers are back!

I wonder, when is it my turn to be back?

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

Star Wars episode IX comes out today.

Prepare the popcorn!

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

Wally and Jessie are dating!?

An inter-dimensional relationship!?

That is too cute!

Who would have thought!?

I totally support this.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

Tom surprised me today.

I know you were trying to punish him for forgetting and missing your mum's birthday.

But still, he waited on your front porch for five hours to apologize!

FIVE HOURS!

AT NIGHT!

IN THE RAIN!

Love, (and impressed)  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

I wish you could write back.

I miss you.

Love, Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

Time passes quickly.

It's winter again.

Remember that one time at Joe's party, when we met under a mistletoe?

But neither of us were brave enough to make the next move?

And we ended up just looking at each other awkwardly?

I should have kissed you that day.

It is, and shall forever be, one of my greatest regrets.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

I miss the way your brows furrow whenever you're stuck with a problem.

I miss the way you curl back your fringe whenever you're nervous.

I miss staying late in S.T.A.R. labs with you.

I miss running to Jitters to get you coffee whenever needed.

I miss our karaoke sessions.

I miss all the little talks we had.

Most of all, I miss you.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

I should have asked you out for coffee more often.

I wish there was a way to turn back time.

Maybe I could have handled things differently.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

Please don't forget me.

Love,  
Barry

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	3. Chapter 3

A/n: This chapter is more about... loss and acceptance.

We're close to the end now. Just 2-3 chapters left.

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Dear Caitlin,

It rained in the Speed Force today.

Time stopped, and in each droplet, was an entire multiverse.

As vibrant and as filled with life as our own.

It was surreal.

And weirdly beautiful.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

Every once in a while, I see flashes of color.

Some, I couldn't comprehend.

Others, more magnificent than I thought possible.

I wish you and Cisco could see this.

The Speed Force truly is a wonderfully strange place.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

Do you remember Well's cabin by the lake?

That one trip we took during the holidays, when we spent the whole day talking and dipping our toes into the water.

I miss those simpler days, when nothing else mattered but us.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

I would be lying if I said I'm happy to see you with Tom.

I still think you deserve better.

But, what I want more than anything else, is for you to be happy.

So, if he makes you happy, then I'm happy too.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

I wish you could hear me.

There are too many words left unsaid.

I can only hope this is not our end.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

Jessie is pregnant with Wally's child!

They've even decided to name it after me!

I hope it's not another "Cat-Barry" situation.

It's a joke, in case you didn't get it.

From when you named your cat Barry and it turned out to be female-

Yeah, you get it.

Anyways, the last time I saw them, they were both just young college students.

Now, they're about to start a family of their own.

It really puts into perspective how long I've been trapped in here.

But, let's not delve on the negative.

Congratulations Wally and Jessie!

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

You guys visited my grave today.

Has it been five years already?

You stayed the longest, even when all the rest left.

You curled up next to the tombstone, and told me about your day.

You told me how worried you are with your father's illness, you told me about your relationship with Tom, you told me how life's been since my disappearance, and finally, you told me how lost you felt without me.

You told me I was your anchor.

And now, you're adrift in a stormy sea.

I am all the more broken.

I will find a way out, even if it kills me.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

I saw news of your father's passing.

I'm sorry.

I wish I was there for you.

I promise things are going to be okay.

Love,  
Barry.

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Dear Caitlin,

Do you remember that one time, I came to you with a heavy soul?

I was drowning, with all the doubts I had of being the Flash.

And you told me, regardless of my decision, I'll always be a superhero to you.

You had no idea, how a single sentence, managed to brighten my entire world.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

You were always there when I needed you most.

I wish I could be there for you now.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

I am fading.

I don't quite know how to explain it, and I don't quite know what is happening to me.

But I can feel it.

This air of lassitude.

It settles over me.

I can only hope to escape, before the Speed Force consumes me whole.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

I think I'm almost there.

I think I'm almost fast enough to escape.

I can feel it.

But I'm so tired.

I think I'm ending this letter here.

So tired...

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

The glimpses into our world are getting shorter, and far longer in between.

I'm afraid my time might finally be up.

Maybe instead of fighting, I should cherish what time I have left.

It's been a good seven years.

I hope you find happiness with Tom.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

I'm growing weaker with each passing day.

There is still so much left for me to say.

I doubt the letters will ever find you, but I do want you to know, I meant every single word I've said.

With you, I was the happiest person alive. I could only hope I brought you some joy in life.

Love,  
Barry

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Dear Caitlin,

I'm certainly going to miss you.

It's funny isn't it?

All the time we've spent together.

And I didn't even get the chance to tell you,

I love y-…

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	4. Chapter 4

**A/n:** Almost at the end. One last chapter to go (:

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Dear Caitlin,

It's been another long year since my last message, and I sincerely apologize for my prolonged absence.

I'm sure Cisco and Wells could have figured it out by now, but the human body was not meant to survive long periods in the Speed Force, and before long, mine completely broke down. But instead of dying, my consciousness it seemed, was instead absorbed into the Speed Force, and for the whole of last year, I had been drifting, to wherever the currents may bring.

In time, I would have completely faded, my mind and body fully becoming one with the Speed Force, but a part of me refused the coalescence; a part of me still believing in a way back to you. But in all the time I've aimlessly drifted, incapable of all but to follow the currents, I've learned futility, and came the sad acquiescence of my fate.

My end was near, and I accepted the Speed Force; and in return, it granted me a moment of clarity, freed from the currents, as though giving me the chance to write a final letter to you.

There is so much left to say, so I will start, from the bottom of my heart and straight to the point – for if I do not speak now, I fear I may never have the chance to do so again.

Caitlin Snow, I love you, truly, madly, and with all of my heart.

I realize that now, regardless of my irrational fears, regardless of my self-destructive tendencies to always push away those close to me. I realize, that I've always loved you, constantly, insufferably, and in every single day of my life.

You're the first person I saw when I woke from my coma, and I've loved you then, even from day one; you've had me, and I was forever yours.

You meant so much more to me than anything else, and there was nothing in this world I was more afraid of, than the thought of losing you. I should have never let you go; I should have fought for you; I should have given you the entire world and more; I should have told you how I felt, and I should have kissed you every single day of your life.

Because Caitlin Snow, this is my last letter, and I desperately need you to know, that no matter how fast or how far I run – you are my home, and I'll always run home.

Love,  
Barry

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	5. Chapter 5

**A/n:** Aaaand, we've finally concluded the story.

I might drop in an additional epilogue in the future, but it's not something I'm going to work on for now. **  
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So, it's the end! Tell me your thoughts! Did you enjoy the story?

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Dear Caitlin,

Where do I even begin? First, I believe an apology from me is in order.

I'm sorry.

It's been seven long years since my last letter, and you must have been worried.

From the way I've written my last two letters, you must have expected the worst.

And for that, I'm sorry.

But, I want you to know, I'm happy now, more so than I've ever been.

To be honest, I still have no idea what exactly happened. I don't remember much of it, but somehow, I know that the Speed Force had given me another chance.

Perhaps it saw how much I had sacrificed, or perhaps, it knew of the importance, and all the feelings I had for you.

I guess we'll never know, because now, I no longer have a connection with the Speed Force. I believe that in giving me my life back, it had to sever it's connection with me. I no longer have the Speed Force, and I'm no longer the Flash.

But it's okay, because in allowing me a second chance in life, it also granted me a second chance with you.

It's been fourteen long years since I've started writing you the first letter, and I've loved you all the more, and with each passing day, I'll love you more than ever.

I guess in the end, things did work out between us.

So, why am I writing you this letter now? Even when you're just peacefully asleep beside me?

I guess after all those years of writing the letters to you, it's just becoming something of a habit, a way to deal with my worries, or to deal with my fears.

Because you see, I'm terrified of tomorrow.

I'm not about to face a metahuman villain, nor am I about to race for the sake of my world.

Instead, I went ring shopping the afternoon before, and tomorrow, I'm going to propose to you.

I'm utterly terrified, and there is nothing more I can wish for, than for you to say yes.

Anyway, I believe there's still so much left for me to say, but this time, I can tell you when you're awake. So I'll be ending this letter here, and it'll truly be my final letter to you.

So, goodbye, Caitlin, and know that I'll always, honestly, truly, and completely, love you, with all of my heart, and a little more.

Love,  
Barry Allen.

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 **A/n:** Also, here's a random fact that made me happy. It's the first letter that's ended with a "fullstop/period."


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